You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
