Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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