I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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