you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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