I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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