theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
