May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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