when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
