I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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