No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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