I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
you made out with another girl for some wings
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Randomize
