Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
