Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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