Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
