So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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