So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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