Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
