the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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