Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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