its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
No stitches, just platelets and will power
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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