either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
