Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
