I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
