I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
