3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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