I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
