I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
