Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
