When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
