hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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