Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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