in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
