how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
