i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
