The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
