Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
