Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Someone came in the potted fern
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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