the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
