What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
