I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
