I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
