so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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