I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
