Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I currently don't understand fingers.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
