some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
it hurts more in the daytime
im having a threesome with these popsicles
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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