A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
