Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
