How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
