did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
