well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
