Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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