McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
